Sometimes I watch Animal Planet on Sundays and wonder just how it happened that a hyena got to be a hyena and more importantly, why I got to be human and not a hyena. Then I think about whether or not Mr Hyena knows how great it is being human and all the cool shit he’s missing out on, like not being able to drive a truck or screw an Asian prostitute in a basket hanging from the ceiling.
And that makes me wonder about the whole cosmic narrative and who or what decided he was going to be a hyena and me human. Was it was luck of the draw, or was something else at play?
Something else meaning he probably fucked-up serious in a previous life and got sent back to Earth as a hyena, this in some hellacious form of penance. Seems plausible.
Lets say you ax murdered your seventh grade auto shop teacher and ate him for lunch. I totally get this.
God: “So uh, says here you killed Mr Hanson with a power drill and ate him…is that correct?”
Soon to be hyena: “Uh, yeah…all true God.”
God: “Well then, since you seem to have a taste for killing, and eating things uncooked, I’m sending you back as a hyena.”
STBH: “Can I say something in my defense?”
STBH: “After killing Mr Hanson, I really did plan on cooking him first, but I forgot to pay my power bill that month and the only way I could prepare him was on an old barbecue, and that’s when I got really confused. I didn’t have any bbq sauce on hand and ketchup seemed redundant…[God interupting]
God: “You missed the whole point—you shouldn’t have killed him in the first place.”
STBH: “Any chance I could stay and apologize to him, would that make things right?”
God: “Seriously? He’s sitting over there…in about thirty pieces on the floor.”
STBH: “Oh yeah, then there’s that.”