If Jesus does make a second coming, what are your thoughts on letting him stay with me for a few days before he gets started on his save the world crusade.
I have an extra room downstairs, and to make him feel more at home, I’d put a little crib (manger) in the corner, get rid of that wall crucifix and hang up a picture of his mom—losing the Moulin Rouge poster of Pink in her undies altogether.
So here’s the thing.
Jesus isn’t going to be prepared on any social level for a global meet and greet, that is unless he gets a little prepping beforehand. By my math, it’s been a couple thousand years since the last time he was here—a lot has changed.
This is where I come in.
Staying with me would enable Jesus to make a “soft” landing into society by giving him a few days to assimilate—understanding how things work these days. After all, we don’t want him showing up like that cop-guy from The Terminator…going around knifing bad people with those weird liquid arm-blades.
No, Jesus is going to need some preparation before heading out by himself, someone to help him understand things; like how porn is now considered cool, and how the F-bomb isn’t really a bomb these days—merely a tiny little firecracker.
God, I think we both know I’m the guy for this job, in fact, a guy with my resume is just what Jesus needs to get him kick-started. So, for your consideration, I’ve put together a short list of training activities I had in mind while Jesus is staying over.
I think it makes the best use of our time together, but what the hey, you be the judge.
I hope you approve.
Jesus Training with Diego
Wake jesus up
Make some coffee while Jesus gets the newspaper
Drink coffee and read paper with Jesus, share a few yuks over the front page
Grapple with Jesus over sports section
Make some ham and eggs for Jesus
Get Jesus to fix my power washer
Take Jesus to 7-11 to buy Powerball tickets
Take Jesus to horse races
Get drunk at track, teach Jesus how to drive
Jesus driver-ed to Ray’s Pizza
Watch Sportscenter with Jesus
Short course in Google Earth with Jesus
Tuck Jesus in
Visit barber shop, get Jesus a trim, have Jesus perform miracle on my receding hairline
Go to the mall for a Cinnabon and some new Jesus threads, a hat, sunglasses and prepaid cellphone
Stop at Apple store, get Jesus an Ipod
Go to the Lottery Commission, claim powerball prize
Stop at liquor store, get some Wine for Jesus, beers for me
Take Jesus fishing, drink beers with Jesus
More Jesus driver-ed
Download some Gospel tunage on Jesus’s Ipod (ugh)
Watch Entourage with Jesus, explain how Sasha really does mean well
Teach Jesus how to accidentally pass out
Breakfast, newspaper, and teach Jesus to do the dishes
Make Jesus a fake ID and Handicapped Parking tag on my Cannon PX6000
Take Jesus to Cabella’s for small handgun
Go to Mexican grocery store, buy some goat meat, drive home
Have Jesus take a look at that front doorbell
Driver-ed time, proper use of GPS to find nearest liquor store
Watch Modern Family with Jesus, ease him into how homos are now considered cool
Pour Jesus a Louis XIV
Teach Jesus to smoke a fine cigar
Watch Latino Sluts 7 with Jesus, pointing out how these girls need may his help
Take Jesus to IHOP for breakfast
Go to Home Depot, get some paint
Teach Jesus how to paint a garage
Have Jesus perform excorsism on neighbor (unholy bitch)
Take Jesus to shooting range for handgun training
Take Jesus to strip club, pointing out how these single moms need his help
Prepare goat in Jesus’ honor
Teach Jesus to barbecue (goat)
Watch Larry King Live, encouraging Jesus to make it simply Larry King period sometime soon
A.M. golf with Jesus, perform miracle to straighten out my slice
Take Jesus to 19th hole
P.M. take Jesus to spring training baseball game
Get Jesus a footlong, beer, and sack of peanuts
Teach jesus the wave and how to boo oponents
Go home, eat leftovers (goat)
Watch The Daily Show for news recap
Watch MILF’s in Heat 11 pointing out how MILF’s may need Jesus’ help
Day 6 (Saturday, graduation)
Have Jesus get me two aspirins, go to Starbucks for a nonfat vente latte (more driver-ed)
Watch cartoons with Jesus
Help Jesus pack, review training
Replace Jesus’ bullets with blanks
Well, that’s it!