A good friend of mine suggested I consider getting into astrology, given my penchant for zodialogical forecasts and my love of writing uncensored bullshit.
I think he may be right, but there’s always been something that’s bothered me about horoscopes, namely, how they’re too watered-down to actually help the masses who resort to them daily—you know, those individuals who are continually seeking some small glimmer of hope for their otherwise mundane existence.
At least that’s my opinion.
Writing horoscopes is something I think I could be good at, however, I wouldn’t feel compelled to sugar coat someone’s daily search for inspiration in favor of not being honest or worse, giving them hope when indeed there is none.
No, my brand of horoscope would be forthright and succinct, to the point, unflowery in every sense of the word. I’d do this in hopes that people will take heart—be more objective about themselves—finally unlocking their hidden potential….or not.
In short, as a zodiac prophet, it would be my goal to inspire the masses through a daily hard-hitting brand of horoscope, a feat few have dared to attempt, that is until now.
And with that, I present my first blush at penning horoscopes.
It’s my fervent hope they inspire you to do something good today.
All the best,
YOUR DAILY HOROSCOPE
Focusing energy on your career could prove useless until you finally decide to take control. Today is your day. Grow a pair. Tell that evil co-worker you know she’s been ratting you out to HR and that you’re not going to stand for it. A sharpened #2 pencil-shank in the knee should do the trick. Smile and say something witty while shanking her, being uber careful to make it look like an accident, otherwise you could be perceived as ill-mannered—arousing contempt in your co-workers. You’re on the road to change!
Listen to others who may be trying to convey important information, especially your mistress and drug dealer. Hand over the reigns, trust them as they know what’s best for you, always there to see you through difficult times. You typically don’t work well with others, but alcohol helps in this endeavor. Make it a special day today. Put down the vodka and try something new, like a few Jack and cokes at the pub this afternoon. Their calming effect will help steady you when afterward, on the drive home, you resist the urge to drive head-on into the nearest utility pole.
Stay away from the superfecta in todays 7th race.
Theres a general feeling of love in the air today. Take time when getting dressed this morning. Fashion is everything to you. Make sure to wear tight-fitting clothing today, an outfit that will telegraph your thong. Dressing smart is your style. Leave nothing to the imagination if you want to experience love’s total surrender. A mysterious stranger will come your way. Trust your instincts, sleeping with him on the first date can be love’s greatest reward—if you don’t count chlamydia.
Today is a good day for some quiet reflection, perhaps at a cheap motel under an assumed name. A bottle of tequila, some qualludes and a loaded handgun could prove useful in this scenario. Don’t forget to double up on your ExtenZ before the she-male hooker arrives or you could be in for a session of wanton laughter in lieu of wanton lust. Trust your inner being. Using the handgun will almost certainly stop those nagging ‘voices’.
Your lucky number today is zero.
I plan on sending these in to the editor of my local newspaper.
Wish me luck.