Slim Thug doing Gospel?

God-

Why does gospel music suck so badly?
It shouldn’t, but it does, and I think I know the reason why.
A lot of people here don’t like hearing the name Jesus invoked every 10 seconds during a song—do that, and I’m frantically scrambling for my tuner to change the station, prior to the singer invoking one more Jesus.
We all know what a great guy Jesus was, is there really a need to showcase him in every fucking gospel song? Seriously?
Why can’t gospel songwriters be more creative?
Enough already with all those incessant ‘praise the lords’—JESUS!

There were other great biblical figures besides Jesus, why not write about one of them—like that prostitute Jesus healed—Mary Magdalene?
Why I’d bet if he wanted to, Slim Thug could easily pull off a gospel song about her and no one would be none the wiser, with all his “Put some back and some neck up on it” shit he’s constantly bandying about.

Or what about the biblical prophet Hosea, whom God supposedly told to marry a whore. Slim could’ve had a field day with him, and the best part is how kids would never know the name Hosea was biblical. They’d probably think the Ho in Hosea referenced one of Slim’s bitches, thinking it was cool—subliminal gospel at its finest.

You know who would be really good at writing gospel lyrics?
T.I.
No one can understand half the shit he’s talking about anyway, so why not give him a bunch of ideas about biblical booty and let him go crazy?
Just think how glorious it would be if you could get your ‘word’ out, while at the same time, we got some awesome tunage out of the deal?

I propose T.I. start with a tune about Cain and Abel,  a fine story about how Cain killed his bro-bro, only in the rap-gospel version, T.I. could have Cain pop a cap in Abel when God rejects his offering of fruits and vegetables over Abel’s ‘sacrificed’ goats or lambs. .
This would be a much more exciting way to learn about the bible than actually reading it, shit, who has time for that—not when you can get hip hop artists to deliver it directly to your headphones.

I can only guess what Eminem and Nate Dogg could do with that guy from the bible named Samson, you know—the one who screwed all those prostitutes?
Why they’d probably have Samson in a room full of pole-dancing, double-D bitches loaded on Crystal and E, shaking their asses like an Indosesian earthquake just hit.

Now that’s a gospel CD I would actually purchase for a change.

 

Diego

29 reasons you should have your own posse

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I want a posse, but not The Insane Clown Posse, (Have they ever had a hit single?) I was thinking more along the lines of an actual working posse.
And not one of those cowboy posse’s either—going around hanging cattle rustlers and such.

Not one hit single!

I want a posse like those Hip Hop guys have, you know, the ones that sit around all day kissing ass and drinking everything in your liquor cabinet.
Only my posse would have a slightly different twist.

Bad posse vibes!

 

Posse Job Description

1. Arrive at my house (crib) 8 am
2. Get me two aspirin and make a pot of strong coffee
3. Loiter with other posse members—talk shit
4. Watch cell phone videos from night before
5. Decide which videos to post on Facebook and YouTube
6. Begin kissing my ass (mark as all-day event)
7. Clean pool (and leaf basket)
8. Hose off the front walk
9. Scrub the bird shit off the mailbox
10. Bust out the dro and get high
11. Lay around, watch Scarface
12. Throw the garbage and clean the kitchen
13. Go to Salvation Army for  clubbing attire
14. AM Break
15. Wash my truck
16. Clean my hunting rifle, 9mm, and maybe put some new line on my fishing reels
17. PM Break
18. Clean my RV
19. Clean garage
20. Barbecue something for dinner
21. Mow lawn
22. Prepare cocktails, smoke some more dro
23. Go clubbing
24. Get all drunk, annoy others, transform into major douchebag
25. Bounce before the man shows up
26. Drive me safely home, don’t bump tunes, tunes draw the po po
27. Make sure I don’t pass out in the bathroom after throwing up
28. Put me into bed (with clothes on)
29. Wait at least one hour, clean yak from floor
30. Clock out, go home, don’t steal anything on your way out

It just occurred to me I don’t really need a posse, hell, I’m already a one-man posse, save for kissing my own ass….but it would be nice to have a bunch of people kissing my ass and doing my chores for me.

I’m ready for my very own posse.

Yo, mow the lawn motherfucker!

Diego

Diego’s Mortuary

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Why is it only mafia guys get cool names, like, Jimmie “The Weasel”, or Tony “The Blade”?
I want one of those cool names too—but I don’t want to have to knife someone or burrow into them like a weasel. (I presume that’s how “The Weasel” got his illustrious handle). 

That’s why I’m writing today.
I’m going to change my name to Diego the Mortician, mainly because I’m thinking about investing in a local mortuary  whose business is in the tank, and to save it (besides putting $$ into it) I was thinking about relocating it to South Phoenix where we would specialize in gangbanger services. 

For example;  “Mourners will delight with our Deluxe package, as Tupac, Biggie, and ODB (wax figures) stand ready to greet you and your loved ones—with counterfeit stacks raining from the ceilings and Biggie reverberating throughout every room.”
Your dearly departed will be exquisitely cared for in his or her very own customized Cadillac coffin, a posthumous prize suitable for any young up and comer. 

Because YOU deserve the best!

Picture a posse of beautiful young ladies (ho’s, covered in fake stacks) serving Crystal to your mourners while being chauffeured to the cemetery in an all Escalade caravan (complete with spinners), where upon arrival, they’ll find a Snoop look-alike delivering a graveside eulogy…with only the dizzle Snoop can bring. 

As an option, we offer a faux graveside drive-by shooting where an R. Kelly impersonator gets popped as he pees on a nearby headstone. 

Oh yes, Diego’s Mortuary will bring the shizzle, and if that doesn’t earn me the title Diego “The Mortician”  I don’t know what will. 

Love, 

Diego