God-
You know how Christians make the sign of the cross when they pray? Well if Jesus hadn’t been crucified—say he got run over by an out-of-control oxen cart, would we still have to make the sign of the cross, or would we begin our prayers by running down the street like those crazy f#*kers in the Pamplona bull run—arms outstretched and flailing—screaming—finally collapsing at some point to begin praying?
Or, what if Jesus drank too much wine at one of his outings, tripped, hit his head on the barbecue and died of a brain hemorrhage? I’d hate to mimic that event each time I wanted to say a prayer, especially when stuck in traffic. What would I do? Jump out of the car, run to the hood, pretend to smack my head on the hood ornament and collapse in the street—all for a 10 second prayer, hoping traffic will mysteriously unsnarl anytime soon?
Seems like a lot of work for a tiny prayer.
I wonder what roadside memorials would look like in the absence of a cross—in the drunken barbecue scenario? A statue of a guy in a robe, laying on the ground next to a mini barbecue…bleeding? (Would the name and date of birth/death be engraved on the barbecue or the statue)?
Sometimes I wonder why Pontius Pilate didn’t just shoot Jesus with an arrow or something, it would have been much more humane. Jesus wouldn’t have suffered so much like he did on the cross, and, that scene would be easy to mimic before praying….I used to do it all the time as a kid, whenever we played Cowboys and Indians.
I’m really glad Jesus didn’t have a heart attack or else we’d be teaching our kids to do this each night before bedtime.
I kind of like how Muslims start their prayers….with some singy songy shit and everyone down on their knees…making me wonder if Mohammed was singing some kind of weird yodeling shit, then got down on his knees—and died! Maybe he was trying to seduce some Austrian babe or something.
My favorite though is Buddha…happy little fat-f#*k that he was—sitting around, probably eating veggies (meh) when his big one hit. That’d be easy to mimic—just eat a few veggies and start praying, right?
I can totally see that. I’d simply scarf down a couple handfuls of cheesy puffs, say a few prayers, and hit the rack for a good nights sleep, although, I’d have to do something about the powdery orange shit I typically get everywhere. That’d really mess up the sheets.
I suppose I should just be thankful Jesus practiced celebacy.
Can you imagine how bad it would suck had he died of an STD?
How awful would that be—digging and scratching at ones crotch before prayertime, or worse yet, while saying grace.
I guess maybe that whole crucifixion thing worked out for the best.
Love,
Diego
