When not to hit the 'like' button

My conspicuously long disappearances between social media visits often find me doing something I very well shouldn’t when I do finally decide to check out my FB page—namely, pour down the list of posts, randomly hitting the like button on practically all of them.
It doesn’t matter how silly the post, I like it.
Actually I don’t.
Actually, I could give a rat’s hoo-dilly that someone felt the need to tell us how hot it was working outside today—in Phoenix—in the summer. (huge DUH)
Or how someone made “the best” dinner salad e.v.e.r.
Or, and this was the best, copied an article out of Huffington about Obama’s re-election bid. Who the fuck cares.
Not me. (Personally, I think if America does re-elect Obama, it would be tantamount to Captain Smith ordering the Titanic into reverse to have another go at that iceberg).

But I hit the like button anyway on all of this inane bullshit and do you know why?
Because I’m just egotistical enough to believe my opinion actually matters to others. It doesn’t of course. But the very fact that I’ve been absent for so long, not weighing-in on life’s (according to them) more important matters, now has me frantically trying to prove to everyone how we’re still friends—validating their dumb-as-a-bag-of-hammer’s shit and ultimately, warranting their befriending me in the first place.

Yes, my hitting the like button is little more than a shameless effort to not appear as some indifferent asshole and I suppose, in short, the easiest way I know to tell someone I still care about them. And all for less effort than a tambourine player in a lame rock band.

Perverse as it may seem, this where I tend to shine.
By not only hitting like on all the posts, but by seeking out the stray post where I can get the most bang for my buck.
By singling out that one lonely post—the one where no-one out the person’s 513 friends has liked or even commented on it for a couple of days. That’s my big fat chance to pounce.
When, in the most shameless of attempts, the grandaddy of all things shameful, I maniacally hit the like button, illuminating someone’s little red notification button, putting  a ’1′ in it, saying in no uncertain terms…

“Hey, ya know what? Everyone else thought this post was too dumb to comment or like…but not me.”

The all caring, still supportive, loving, technological, fair-weather friend I truly am.

Does anyone have a kleenex?
I think I just threw up in my mouth.