Jail...on a scale of one to five

The following is a review I submitted to Yelp, a popular review website.
I use a cumulative rating system, the unit of measure being a star. The rating scale ranging from 1-5 stars.
Enjoy.

 

Phoenix Police Department

First, let me say the ambiance and decor were first class. The service was a little on the poor side, but the food?
In a word..horrendous!
Let’s break it down.

Five stars for my arresting officer and how interested he seemed in my life…asking a ton of questions. He saw me as a real person and not just another perpetrator, appearing genuinely concerned for my well being. Under any other circumstances, I could totally see me and him as besties.
You just don’t see that kind of caring in an arresting officer these days.

Another five for his using nylon ties in lieu of those pesky handcuffs.
Three more for the super clean backseat in his squad car. I thought it would smell like puke or crack dealer or something, but surprisingly it smelled sweet, like cake frosting. Weird.

Where are we…thirteen thus far?

Minus five for the precinct officer who fingerprinted me and failed to acquiesce my request for a hairbrush and some gel prior to the mugshot. I looked like Nick Nolte and Gary Busey’s illegitimate child.

Another minus five for the Madison Street Jail facility and its ‘open’ toilets inside the holding tank.¹

I’m deducting another two for what I think may have been an egg Mcmuffin they served for breakfast, although I’m not really sure what it was.

Another negative two for their letting my wife post bail instead of my cousin David.

A whopping negative five for evicting me from my cell earlier than I would have liked. I was having a pretty good time with all the boys until the guard informed me my wife was in the lobby.

Deduct five more for the rude behavior of practically every officer in the precinct…their laughing at me while my wife lectured me the entire duration of the hallway as we left the building.

Overall, I’d say this wasn’t as bad an experience as some of my friends let on.
Given my druthers, I would have stayed and visited a few more days, or at least until my wife cooled down.

What does that leave us with, negative eleven?
I wouldn’t have guessed such a low rating taking everything into consideration.
Probably won’t repeat.

¹ If you have shy bladder syndrome, this may not  be the place for you after a night of prodigious drinking.