Why strippers are bad for your marriage

 

Some people say ones true self emerges when they’re drinking—when inhibitions are comfortably numbed.
I disagree and here’s why.

Let’s say you have no inhibitions. That in some mystical way, they’ve vacated your being, like Elvis did with buildings.
That means there’s nothing to hide from and you can pretty much be your true self at all times, drunk or sober.
Which in turn means that when you do drink, now, you’ll actually become a more enhanced version of yourself.

For example, if you’re an asshole sober, you’ll be a much more vibrant asshole when drunk.
If you’re a contrarian sober, you’ll probably become a WWF fighter when shitfaced.
And if you’re prone to telling little white lies sober, you’ll soar to new heights, telling lies of every color imaginable when plowed.
Some caption this as revealing.
I call it success.
An alcoholic spiritualism of sorts, very much like Chopra’s Seven Spiritual Laws of Success, only I like to call this my first law of  alcoholic success.
To never hide from ones true self—to let the booze enhance who you really are.
And just like Chopra, I’ve assembled a  to-do list, which when practiced daily, will help you become the new-age, alcoholic spiritualist you really are.

In the morning…

Begin by telling yourself this is a new day, a gift from God. Then offer a toast to Jesus and the day with a healthy shot of Kahlua in your coffee. When your wife comes downstairs, practice lying, tell her how great she looks, then hold your breath and give her a big kiss. 
These are your gateway lies, low-grade lies designed to springboard you into deeper lie-waters later on in the assignment. Practice these daily.

At work…

Don’t hesitate for a minute to steal a co-workers lunch from the fridge, take it with you to the men’s room and gobble it up, washing it down with a Smirnoff Ice. When you have that warm comfortable feeling in your belly, it’s time to practice some more lies. Begin with your co-workers, explaining how your lunch is missing from the fridge, and how some dastardly fuck is stealing lunches. This should be done daily.

Midday…

Time to salute the Emporer once again. Break out that flask and make a toast before marching into the boss’s office and telling him how that new diet is really working for him, then, when his guard is down, tell him you know about him and Margaret from accounting, and how a raise is in order if he’d like to remain married.
These are what I like to call your mandatory distruths and very necessary for ones spiritual awareness. Practice daily.

On the drive home…

The drive home from work can be tricky, especially when your personality is somewhat enhanced. This is where aggressive driving is unwarranted, no matter how much you’d like to cut someone off and flip them the bird.  Don’t do it.
Instead, stop at the strip club and have a few beers. Enjoy the entertainment and prepare for a nice relaxing drive home, sans the traffic pile-up.
Not exactly lies, or even an enhanced lie,  but they do contribute to your well being from the bigger lies you’ll need when you get home.

At home…

This is where the gateway lies, distruths, drinking, and lap dances all begin their confluence into your metamorphosis, transforming you into an alcoholicly enhanced super-being. You’re ready for anything now that you’ve achieved my first law of alchohic spiritualism.

“Where have you been…it’s eleven o’clock, you smell like booze and cheap perfume?”

“Nuh-uh…really?”

Then quickly black-out.
This makes everything go away, including your wife.

Margaret...from accounting