How to know what she’s really saying
I love Shazam.
The music app for your phone that listens to any song playing and within a few moments, tells you the name of the song, artist, and a bunch of other stuff. It even lets you purchase the song.
Well I need an app like that for my wife.
One I can hold up when she’s speaking and have it interpret what she’s really saying into something I can understand. In short, a chick to dude translator.
You’d think the guy who wrote ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’ would have already glommed on to this concept, but I’m guessing he’s busy trying to keep his marriage alive so not to come off as the biggest douche in the universe.
WITHOUT THE APP
Her: “My back is killing me today, I must have overdone it.”
Me: “Mine too, not only is my back hurting, so is my shoulder from that old football injury, and, I have a killer headache to boot!”
What she was really saying was how she’d like a nice back massage, how she doesn’t feel like cooking dinner or cleaning up afterward, and how she’d simply like to relax in a hot tub with a glass of wine.
How the fuck am I supposed to get all that out of “my back is killing me?” I’m not a psychic.
My brain is wired to compete. So if you tell me your back hurts, I’m not only going to one-up you, I’m going to throw in a couple extra maladies to make my point, and, to make certain that if you do come back with how your feet are hurting too, I’ve still got you beat by at least one symptom.
That’s the way it works in my world. It’s not right, I know, but like most men, I wasn’t born with the nurturing gene. I was born with the ‘I need to win at all costs’ gene.
Not necessarily the best thing for a marriage, I realize.
And this is where the app could come in handy.
WITH THE APP
Her: ”My back is killing me today, I must have overdone it.”
App response: ”Well then Missy, lets get you out of those clothes and into a nice warm tub, that should help, and if it still hurts, after I finish cooking dinner and get the dishes done, there’ll be a back massage waiting for you.”
Only I have a feeling she’d be onto me the second I recited something like that. It just wouldn’t sound right, coming from me anyway. Not that I don’t mind helping cook, clean, or provide massages, I do.
The problem is this.
The moment I say lets get you out of those clothes, she’d suspect something was up, (no pun) knowing full well she’d never see a warm bathtub, dinner, or anything remotely related to a back massage.
This is where women’s intuition sucks.
For intuitively, she’d know the minute that blouse comes off, the next thing she’d be seeing would most likely be a headboard, the ceiling, or maybe even stars if she’s lucky.
That’s when she’ll pause for a brief moment and say something like;
“Well, I guess I better get dinner started…what are you in the mood for?”