Unpopular baby names, Part 2
If your’e a world famous assassin who goes by both your first and middle name, say like Lee Harvey Oswald or John Wilkes Booth, its a pretty safe bet your unique name combination is going straight to the grave right along with you.
I mean really, how fucked-up does a mother have to be to name her kid Lee Harvey? Even the worst mother on the planet wouldn’t do that to her newborn for fear the kid would be relegated to a lifetime of shit.
Famous killers with double handles aren’t the only people to make it to the unpopular baby name list, there are plenty of other assholes who’ve managed this rare accomplishment.
Take Charles Manson for instance.
Charles is a popular name and certainly one that has stood the test of time. But name your kid Manson and see what happens. Manson might work for your Rotweiller or an overly drugged-out rock star, but it’s not the name you want to see showing up on your kids kindergarten class roster.
Which leads me to the point of this post.
When exactly does the statute of limitations run out on one of these killer (not a pun) names before returning to the popular baby-name stockpile?
Personally, I think it depends entirely on who you killed.
Take the guy who killed Jesus for instance.
I can’t see the name Pontious making a comeback anytime soon, and that’s been 2011 years.
I think it also has something to do with the spectacle of the event.
The guy who killed Jesus used a cross, thorns and nails. Shit, he even made him carry this huge cross up a mountain before killing him. That would have been punishment enough for me, but then to nail him to it? Fuck. That’s totally brutal.
I get why no-one would ever name their kid Pontious, may as well name your kid Satan for that matter.
And to further illustrate, lets take John Lennon.
Lennon was an important figure. Maybe not as important as Jesus, but he did sell a shitload of albums, and, he carried a message of peace and love, so why isn’t his killer on the ‘do not name under any circumstances’ list? The name Mark David is as popular as ever.
Here’s my theory.
It was due to Lennon being killed by a gunshot wound. Big damn deal. Everyone in America will get shot or die from a gunshot wound sooner or later, it’s inevitable, especially with our penchant for guns. I think this is why the name Mark David is still popular. Chapman’s crime, although horrible, wasn’t heinous enough to get his name banned. Not like Pontious Pilate anyway.
I submit that had Chapman made a spectacle out of the event, say he strangled Lennon with a rainbow colored hair scrunchie, carved a pentagram into his forehead with a dull knife and given him a Columbian necktie, while Boy George’s Karma Chameleon blared from his boombox, the name Mark-David would have joined the ranks of the dinosaurs that very same day. As it well should be.
Maybe there will be a day when the world collectively takes note of the worlds biggest assholes, banishing their name forever like we did Pontious Pilate. I hope so.
Well that’s it for today’s post, gotta run, I’m late for my Pilates class.