I’d like to caveat this post by expressing to all readers how my purpose here is merely to educate the man who has no clue when it comes to the opposite sex—myself included to some extent.
If you don’t like the content, remember the immortal words of Sophocles when he wrote; “Don’t shoot the messenger!”
Diego’s dating tips
I’ve often heard the saying; “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
I don’t believe that’s true. I believe there’s an easier way to a man’s heart if we’re speaking purely anatomical here, and it’s not his stomach.
But that’s beside the point.
The point is, there doesn’t seem to be a cutesy saying about ‘the way to a woman’s heart’.
Well, wonder no more. I have it on good information there most certainly is a way to a woman’s heart.
And you won’t get it from a cutesy saying, a pair of diamond studs or a Hawaiian vacation.
You ready for this?
It’s her footwear.
I know, crazy, right? But it’s true, trust me. I’ve been around women my entire life, I know this firsthand.
It’s an indisputable fact, women have an affinity for shoes. Period.
Know this. Accept it. Much in the same way you would an irrefutable math axiom. You needn’t understand why, it’s not important to know why.
Just take solace in knowing greater minds than yours have grappled with this age-old phenomenon, always returning to the same answer, women-love-shoes.
Especially the expensive kind, the ones that hurt their feet after an evening out.
Which brings me the point of this post.
If women love shoes, and you desire women, it seems only fitting you adopt the same sense of excitement about their shoes as do they, especially if you have any designs on ferreting your way into that special someone’s heart, or boudoir, you pick.
So without further adieu, I present to you my highly coveted, (by men) techniques for winning over that special lady, or at best, getting laid.
The following are postulates based entirely on empirical data only, responses may vary by participant. If you fuck-up, don’t go blaming me. You’re the asshole taking advice from a blog.
On arrival at her place…
Whenever she dresses up for a big event, chances are good she’ll be wearing expensive shoes. She’ll also take forever to get ready. I suggest using this time productively by preparing for her grand entrance—that special moment when she pirouettes into the room, asking; ‘Well, how do I look?”
This is when you leap into action with a statement exclaiming; “OH MY GOD, I love those shoes? Wow, do they make that outfit!” Announce this rather loudly, in your best authoritative tone, as if talking into one of those speakers at a fast food drive-through. The point here is to shock and confuse. You’ll do both if you bark this comment using the proper amount of inflection. Anything less will come off as disingenuous.
Now, sit back and watch the magic unfold.
It’s amazing to see how this one little phrase will send noticeable shock waves reverberating through her entire body, lowering her defenses like a Klingon warship taking one too many photon torpedos from Captain Kirk.
It’s on now.
At the event…
On the drive to, and at the event, try not to speak. Speaking will be your undoing.
The probability you’ll say something stupid is statistically pretty high, negating any kudos you may have gotten from the shoe comment. This is why it’s important you very simply sit and smile… a lot. Don’t be fearful of those moments when you’re both enveloped in awkward silence. In fact, it’s the perfect opportunity to bust out your next big move.
“So, uh, what kind of shoes are those? They kind of look like this pair I was thinking of buying for you last week but wasn’t sure you’d like them…they had red soles and all. Something Louboutin, I forget…anyway, that made me think of your shoes, they’re really very pretty you know”
She should be softening like room temperature butter by now.
Her dress, her styling, her fashionable accessories, all pale in comparison to her shoes and pedicure. This is where things can get dicey as you compliment not only her shoes, but the pedicure as well, going deep into uncharted waters.
One small problem.
You don’t know the difference between long, unkempt toenails and a French pedicure, and since they both look the same, this is where it’s wise show a little
couth finesse with a statement like; “Nice pedi,” covering the entire gamut—toenails, polish color, all of it.
I realize most of you won’t know what a pedi is, but trust me, calling it by this name will endear you to her as if you were her best gay friend. And this is what every straight chick wants..a dude who knows chick-speak, despite his obvious heterosexuality. For her, it’s like having the best of both worlds.
But be very cautious, trouble is looming just around the next corner.
After the pedi comment, a whole new world will open up as she starts droning on about chick stuff. She’ll do this because you bullshitted her about the pedi, making her think you’re fluent in chick-speak when in actuality, you’re not. It was a high-stakes gamble that will pay off, but you’ll need to follow these next steps, otherwise you’re proper fucked, and boy do I mean howdy.
Men, as a general rule don’t listen for shit. We do if it’s something we’re interested in, but chances are she’s not going to be babbling about how the Lakers are about to lose Kobe to some European league.
Oh she’ll be talking alright, just not about sports.
Your little pedi comment has now touched-off a flaming shitstorm, one that will have her whining about one of her uber-bitch friends and all her recent doings. You’re in deep waters now as she looks to you for validation. Unfortunately, you’ve got no game at this level—you’re a fish out of water.
The only way out now is the reverse comment technique.
“Then do you know what that dirty bitch said? She told me I was lying to protect Jessica.”
“Seriously…lying to protect Jessica?…she really said that?”
This technique works like a charm, spurring hours of circular conversation about either the bitch or Jessica. The reverse comment always makes it appear as though you’ve been listening and validating when in fact you’ve been thinking about whether she’ll finish that entree.
Just don’t forget to listen for some piece of that last sentence prior to her coming up for air.
If things do go south on date night, it’s probably because you said something stupid. As I said earlier, you probably shouldn’t be saying much of anything.
Remember, she’ll be talking, but she may as well be talking in Japanese because you’ll be deep in the land of chick-speak, where you won’t have a clue what she’s saying, or worse, how to respond.
And you will be required to respond sooner or later, that whole reverse comment thing will only get you so much mileage.
This is when it’s best to speak in short, two-word phrases, such as ‘Oh, really? or “You don’t say?” Use plenty of inflection if you don’t want her to smell a rat.
A good rule is to pretend you’re on a witness stand, answering a bully prosecutor with terms like, yes, no and I don’t recall. This should keep the date going…at least for now.
Talk about her…not you
If you’re wondering why her gaze is no longer fixed on you, as she furtively scours the room for anyone or anything the slightest bit more interesting, it’s because you’re doing too much talking about yourself. Women don’t like this.
Here’s another dating axiom you’ll need to know.
Women, in all their fickled glory, either want you to listen to them, or talk about them, in either case, the subject matter should always revolve around them, not you.
Keep talking about how cool you are and she’ll check-out faster than a trick at a twenty dollar motel.
If you hope to have any chance of not putting this date into a deliberate death spiral, limit your dialogue to all things her, as you barrage her with questions about her favorite things.
You’ll quickly learn how there’s no end to that topic.
Seeing how most men are good at being around other men, interrupting is purely a way of entertainment for us. And when we’re not interrupting, we’re thinking about interrupting so we can dazzle the interruptee with our one-upmanship skills.
Be forewarned however, this method does not work well with women, even less so when on a date.
Interrupt her once, she’ll probably overlook it. Twice, and she’ll know you’re not a good listener.
And if you’re not a good listener, how realistic is it to think pillow-talk is in the cards?
It’s not. Time to listen up, buster.
Assuming you haven’t fucked-up yet, your blob of melted butter should now be ready for an evening of romance.
Your complimentary stylings, the way you listened throughout dinner without so much as a peep—she’s liking what she’s seeing and hearing. All of it. The time has come to seize the night as I like to say.
Here’s my final tip to help seal the deal.
Never use a cliché such as “Your place or mine” as your closer.
You need creativity at this critical juncture.
Clichés are a death knell, announcing all too loudly you’ve got no game when it comes to sex, prompting a faux-yawn and the dreaded; “It’s been fun, we’ll have to do this again sometime.“
You both know sometime is date speak for never. You can’t have that. Not after putting in this much effort. What you need now is a clever line, and quickly.
One that’s sure to close the deal.
One that says in no uncertain terms how you’re by no means a zero in bed. A thrill seeker.
A dude with real game.
Be proud man.
You managed to course an entire evening filled with land mines, lowering her defenses, and now here you are at the finish line. There’s only one thing left to do.
Show her your vulnerable.
Demonstrate how your defenses have been lowered too, by exposing your true self in a brief moment of weakness.
“Hey, you know what? There’s a pair Manolo’s in it for you if you blow me on the way to the motel,” you announce coyly.
Whatever happens next, don’t forget to hand over the Manolo’s on your way to wherever, and hopefully, it’s not back to her place to drop her off.
I guarantee they'll close the deal