Church music: out with the organ, in with the drums
I have a question.
Whose bright idea was it to designate the organ as official musical instrument of the church—was it you?
If it was, I hate to say it but you kinda screwed up on that one.
The organ, save for the boring as shit sermons, the kneeling, the holding hands, and the uncomfortable seating, has got to be one of the primary reasons I can’t stand going to church. I hate organ music.
Organ music (the kind they play in church) is just plain sad, and to some extent, scary, like you’re in a horror movie or something.
Besides, who plays the organ these days anyway? Just try to name one pop star who made it big on the organ?
Don’t believe me? Google “popular organ players” and see what pops up. Nothing.
Do you know why?
Because there is no such thing as a popular organ player. Hell, Lawrence Welk didn’t even have an organ player in his band and if anyone should have, it would’ve been him.
And that makes me question if you were you on a mission to have church music bring everyone down, because if you were, I think you pretty much succeeded.
Sometimes I just don’t get you.
See, if I was in your shoes, and I got to choose the kind of music to play in church, I’d have gone with a live band as my first option. Live bands always draw crowds, and isn’t that what you want? Big numbers of church-goers?
The live band would also help take a person’s mind off how excruciatingly boring church can be at times, (which is pretty much all the time, for me anyway).
I think it would be kind of cool to have a lead guitarist softly strumming Stairway to Heaven as background music while the priest is giving his sermon. That would actually improve my holiness stats since I’d tend to focus on the lyrics instead of checking out any hot church-babe strays that showed up for services that day.
But let’s say, for the sake of argument, the only live bands back in the day were Mozart or Beethoven. Under those circumstances, I could see where the live band wouldn’t have been such a hot choice.
Some of that classical shit can get pretty boring. Combine that with a bad sermon and now you’ve got a real mess on your hands.
Maybe the live band isn’t such a good idea after all. Maybe a better choice would have been the drums!
Bongos, snare, bass, timpani, even steel drums. Now that would be cool.
Drums, after all have been around forever. Even cavemen played the drums.
Remember how Santana had all those drums in his band at Woodstock. Well it could be just like that only better, without Santana singing any of his stupid lyrics.
Just think, if you had gone with drums, communion would be an entirely different event, as a drum roll would precede each person’s communion.
And when the priest is about to pull off a big move, like polishing the chalice, or doing the blessing at the end of mass, you could have dual timpani’s kick in for a proper grand finale!
Then, on holidays like Easter and Christmas, you could feature a really big drum solo, like the ones in all those Queen songs.
I like that idea.
In fact, I think you should make a big solo standard right after communion, as you’re finishing up the mass.
That way, I could snag my communion, get seated, say my thank you prayer, bolt for the car, and get the hell out of there before all the other church-fucks beat me to the parking lot.
Time for a change God,