Jesus is staying at my place for a few days

God-

If Jesus does make a second coming, what are your thoughts on letting him stay with me for a few days before he gets started on his save the world crusade.
I have an extra room downstairs, and to make him feel more at home, I’d put a little crib (manger) in the corner, get rid of that wall crucifix and hang up a picture of his mom—losing the Moulin Rouge poster of Pink in her undies altogether.

Needs to go

So here’s the thing.
Jesus isn’t going to be prepared on any social level for a global meet and greet, that is unless he gets a little prepping beforehand.  By my math, it’s been a couple thousand years since the last time he was here—a lot has changed.  
This is where I come in.

Staying with me would enable Jesus to make a “soft” landing into society by giving him a few days to assimilate—understanding how things work these days. After all, we don’t want him showing up like that cop-guy from The Terminator…going around knifing bad people with those weird liquid arm-blades.

No, Jesus is going to need some preparation before heading out by himself, someone to help him understand things;  like how porn is now considered cool, and how the F-bomb isn’t really a bomb these days—merely a tiny little firecracker.

God, I think we both know I’m the guy for this job, in fact, a guy with my resume is just what Jesus needs to get him kick-started. So, for your consideration, I’ve put together a short list of training activities I had in mind while Jesus is staying over. 
I think it makes the best use of our time together, but what the hey, you be the judge. 
I hope you approve.

Jesus Training with Diego
Day 1

Wake jesus up
Make some coffee while Jesus gets the newspaper
Drink coffee and read paper with Jesus, share a few yuks over the front page
Grapple with Jesus over sports section
Make some ham and eggs for Jesus
Get Jesus to fix my power washer
Take Jesus to 7-11 to buy Powerball tickets
Take Jesus to horse races
Get drunk at track, teach Jesus how to drive
Jesus driver-ed to Ray’s Pizza
Watch Sportscenter with Jesus
Short course in Google Earth with Jesus
Tuck Jesus in

Day 2

Visit barber shop, get Jesus a trim, have Jesus perform miracle on my receding hairline
Go to the mall for a Cinnabon and some new Jesus threads, a hat, sunglasses and prepaid cellphone
Stop at Apple store, get Jesus an Ipod
Go to the Lottery Commission, claim powerball prize
Stop at liquor store, get some Wine for Jesus, beers for me
Take Jesus fishing, drink beers with Jesus
More Jesus driver-ed 
Download some Gospel tunage on Jesus’s Ipod (ugh)
Watch Entourage with Jesus, explain how Sasha really does mean well
Teach Jesus how to accidentally pass out

Day 3

Breakfast, newspaper, and teach Jesus to do the dishes
Make Jesus a fake ID and Handicapped Parking tag on my Cannon PX6000
Take Jesus to Cabella’s for small handgun
Go to Mexican grocery store, buy some goat meat, drive home
Have Jesus take a look at that front doorbell
Driver-ed time, proper use of GPS to find nearest liquor store
Watch Modern Family with Jesus, ease him into how homos are now considered cool
Pour Jesus a Louis XIV
Teach Jesus to smoke a fine cigar
Watch Latino Sluts 7 with Jesus, pointing out how these girls need may his help

Day 4

Take Jesus to IHOP for breakfast
Go to Home Depot, get some paint
Teach Jesus how to paint a garage
Have Jesus perform excorsism on neighbor (unholy bitch)
Take Jesus to shooting range for handgun training
Take Jesus to strip club, pointing out how these single moms need his help
Prepare goat in Jesus’ honor
Teach Jesus to barbecue (goat)
Eat goat
Watch Larry King Live, encouraging Jesus to make it simply Larry King period sometime soon

Day 5

A.M. golf with Jesus, perform miracle to straighten out my slice
Take Jesus to 19th hole
P.M. take Jesus to spring training baseball game
Get Jesus a footlong, beer, and sack of peanuts
Teach jesus the wave and how to boo oponents
Go home, eat leftovers (goat)
Watch The Daily Show for news recap
Watch MILF’s in Heat 11 pointing out how MILF’s may need Jesus’ help

Day 6  (Saturday, graduation)

Have Jesus get me two aspirins, go to Starbucks for a nonfat vente latte (more driver-ed)
Watch cartoons with Jesus
Help Jesus pack, review training
Replace Jesus’ bullets with blanks

Well, that’s it!
What’dya say?

Diego

Foreclosure, hell….I’m headed for the nearest rest home!

God

Do you think I’m old enough to get admitted to a rest home—after all, I am in my early 50′s now.
I’m plenty tired and could use lots of rest, besides, I already watch tv day and night and don’t do much of anything else, so why not? 
And except for maybe the drooling part, I’m certain I’d fit right in.
I probably won’t meet the established drooling criteria, that is unless I’m watching one of the PPV adult channels, and even then, I know enough to wipe it from my chin before anyone notices. This could be a dealbreaker…I know.

On the plus side, I do like the fact that I’m still young enough to smack the shit out of the other residents in the event anyone gets out of control or tries to snatch the remote from me, and I seriously doubt they’d put up too much of a tussle.

On the downside, I have to say I don’t care much for pureed foods fed through a giant mouth syringe, or for that matter, wearing adult diapers—that’s going to be a major adjustment, since I haven’t really shit myself since 7th grade. But it was 7th grade, and in my defense, the school cafeteria was serving taco’s that day, mmm…my favorite.
Anyway, I doubt there are any rest homes featuring taco night, not with all those diapers that would need changing afterward.

God, this might be my only earthly chance to truly become King of my domain…like a proud Alpha Hyena or some other pack breed living on the savannah.

I can take these troublemakers!

I’m thinking with all the droolers and mouthbreathers, I could easily establish my Alpha status early on, then settle in for the (gulp) pureed dining experience, after that, maybe a light pant shitting, and later…when they’re all knocked out from their meds, (and the staff has cleaned my bottom), check out the porn channels on DirecTV with a few of the young staffers that don’t speak english.

I’m not sure how I’ll feel about the old chicks hitting on me though, I hear they can get pretty randy….but I suppose I could always float some air heaters if I really needed to repel them.

I hope their sniffers still work.

Resting quietly, (for now)

-Diego

Can I call you Bud?

God-

Did your parents name you God, or did you change your name—like Sting and Meatloaf did?
I mean, I’m down with the whole one-name thing, but mainly just curious how you landed on God?
Meatloaf, I get. He probably didn’t want to go by Marvin his entire adult life, making a carnivorous handle like Meatloaf almost pale by comparison.
But Meatloaf did fit him, especially after he got really fat.

Sting, on the other hand is kinda cool… I like it anyway, and it certainly beats the name Gordon.
Sting, to me, says; I’m a little dangerous…like a small bee or something—don’t f#*k with me!
I like that!

But you? You I don’t get.
You could have named yourself anything, like Superman, or for that matter, Superman’s father; Jo-Rel. (Really cool)
I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like the name God and all, its short, one-of-a-kind, and, the last time I checked, still hadn’t made the popular baby name list for 2010. (Most people would never dream of naming their kid God…at least not like they do Jesus).

I may be going out on a limb here, but I’m guessing your parents gave you a really goofy name you didn’t particularly like so you changed it, like Barnaby, or worse, some really stupid name like that NBA player, Anfernee Hardaway.
I wouldn’t blame you if you did change your name from Anfernee to God, since Anfernee is pretty off-the-charts stupid. It always makes me think of some dumb-as-a-rock, post-delivery-mother arguing with the head pediatric’s nurse over how to spell her newborn son’s name—Anthony.

Anyway, as I said, I have no problem with the name God, but sometimes think it’s a bit too stuffy…too formal, and was wondering—what’s your take on nicknames?
My friends have various nicknames for me, all of which represent some term of endearment…even when they address me as dickhead! (It’s a guy thing).

So I was wondering.
How ’bout it if I just started calling you Bud, like my late Uncle Bud? I really liked him.

Uncle Bud taught me to fish, hunt, and even taught me about the perils of drinking, when at age 13, I got really drunk at my cousin’s wedding, insisted on dancing with Aunt Mary, nestled my head in her 42 DD’s, and proceeded to dry-hump her left leg until unceremoniously passing out on the dance floor in a pile of my own yak.
I thought Uncle Bud showed enormous restraint by not killing me that next weekend when he took me deer hunting (He could have made it look like an accident, since I am left-handed and rather clumsy) but he didn’t.
Instead, our hunting trip provided him a captive audience for his one-man, three-day rant on the perils of drinking. It didn’t seem to work. (Although my dry-humping career did stall after that, good thing).

Anyways, I think I’d like to start calling you Bud, since it’s painfully obvious you’ve had the chance to kill me about a thousand times thus far and have yet to do so.
I really admire your restaint—your name…meh.

Ever given any thought to the name Larry?

Love,

Diego

I want lava-cake breath

God-

Why does my breath smell like dog-shit every morning when I wake up?
I floss, brush my teeth, even use Listerine instead of water in my Waterpik…..and I still smell like a fresh dog pile each morning.

Please tell me what I need to do in order for my breath to smell like freshly baked goods upon awakening….or at the very least, bacon and eggs.
Emerging from one’s slumbers (and Camp Morningwood) with breath that could repulse even a Turkey Buzzard is not cool.

I want to wake up smelling like a sugary-chocolate treat…like maybe a hot lava-cake…with a generous dollop of whipped cream. (On the side, of course).

Oh, and please don’t bring two spoons…I want to enjoy me all by myself.

Yours,

Diego