Amish? Seriously?

God-

I was taught to believe you’re a vengeful God…a real fire and brimstone guy.
I’m not buying it.
I think you’re really a big teddy bear of a God, only with a dark sense of humor.
What’s with the Amish? Are they like the short bus of religions?
I’m thinking this was a sick joke God.
Everybody laughs at them .even the Jehovah’s.

I think the only ones not laughing are the Scientologists. Now there’s a scary bunch.

You may have a big bark, but deep down I know you’re probably a real prankster.

Amish.
Good one God!

Love

-Diego

All dogs go where?

God-

Why do we look up to the stars whenever we invoke your name or Heavens? I’ve always just assumed Heaven is in outer space. Is it??

I would think between the space shuttle missions and the Hubble space telescope we would have found it by now.

The thing that scares the shit outa me is how it may be at the far reaches of the universe. That would imply you govern the entire shootin match, aliens and all.
So really it isn’t a question of whether all dogs go to heaven…more like what in Gods name goes to heaven?

All of a sudden, Islamic terrorists don’t look so bad.

Frightened,

-Diego

My robe should be 2x tall

God-

I saw a movie called The Shawshank Redemption years ago. In one scene, new prisoners were marched into the facility, disrobed, hosed down, powdered for lice and given their new clothing.
With the exception of the lice powder, is this what happens once we get past St. Peter?
Is there a guy waiting with a big fire hose to douche the Earth stank off us? How long does that usually take?
I hope the guy in front of me wasn’t pig farmer. I bet he could hold up the line for hours.

Calvin Who?

God-

I’d say I’m a pretty open-minded guy, wouldn’t you?
I made the transition from country to rock music, and to a lesser degree rap even though I can’t relate to rap music.
It’s not that I’m too old, it’s just that I have no bitches, stacks, I don’t live in a hood, I can’t make it rain on my ho’s, I don’t own a 9mm, and I don’t pull kick-do’s.
I also don’t pee on minors or smoke weed. (Not recently anyway).

Does Heaven smell like Krispy Kreme?

God-

I presume there are no offensive odors in Heaven, i.e.; farts, french people, bad breath?
I picture Heaven smelling like a Baskin Robbins or even a Krispy Kreme shop.
Does it smell anything like these places?
I hope so.
I hope it doesn’t smell like Applebees.
The minute I walk into an Applebees and smell those ribs I start drooling.
Ribs taste good but they don’t agree with me, they give me gas.

Unheavenly,

Diego

Do you sort us out?

God-

I saw this t-shirt the other day that read; “Kill ‘em all, let God sort ‘em out.”
It was an advertisement for the U.S. Army Rangers.

I know this goes against your commandment relative to killing people, but in their defense, the Rangers don’t care much for taking prisoners.
That’s not why I’m writing.

Do you really ‘sort’ us out, like on that tv show “The Deadliest Catch?”
Are there big sorting tables somewhere near the entry gates?

Diego

Robes and toga parties

God-

Do we wear undergarments under our white robes?
I hope so. That could be really distracting.
I went to a toga party once in college and the invitation was very specific, undergarments were strongly suggested.
I wore underwear but a lot of the girls didn’t.

Taco night

God-

Will we continue with some of our family traditions in Heaven, like taco night?
My wife usually makes tacos on Wednesdays.
We agreed on Wednesdays because that’s when the week is half over, so its kind of like a mini celebration each week!

My God is a good looking God

God-

What do you look like?
I know Jesus is your son and all, is he a spitting image of you?
We have a saying down here that—“the apple never falls far from the tree. “Have you heard it?
If it applies in your case, it means you’re caucasian, long hair, beard, sandals, and by most accounts, a pretty good-looking dude.

Where is the devils workshop?

God-

As you know, I tend to visualize things, so when my mom used to say idol hands are the devils workshop, I pictured a workshop similar to Santa’s, only with the devil in charge!
I know Santa makes little toys carved from wood while his wife bakes cookies, so what are they making in the the devils workshop?
I doubt cookies. 
Do they make toys too, only theirs are the ones that put kids eyes out?
I bet they had a hand in the Toyota recall.

Love,

Diego

God, am I really single?

God-

My wife and were married in a Presbyterian church—by a flamboyantly gay minister—in 1979.
So does our marriage count?
I looked up Presbyterian, and it said, ” a religion with tenets based on absolutely nothing whatsoever…anything goes”.
Is this why most US Presidents were Presbyterian?

I want a new guardian angel…NOW

God-

Is my guardian angel still on the job—it sure doesn’t seem like it.
I don’t want to be a snitch but I think she went on break in 1977 and never came back.
Has that ever happened to you—like when a waiter takes your order and you never see her again?

Please say it wasn’t so

God-

I had a 4-flusher this morning.
Please tell me this isn’t the sign I’ve been praying for.

-J

Sin City? Look Again

God-

I know my mom used to always say this but I’m wondering who coined the term, was it you, she said “the road to hell is paved with good intentions”.
If you coined it, that means Hell must be here on Earth somewhere, because I’m unaware of any roads in outer space.
I know the road between Phoenix and Las Vegas has often been referred to as “The Devils Highway”.
Does that mean Las Vegas is really Hell?
It sure seemed like it last time I was there for March Madness—why do all the underdogs always win?

If Las Vegas is hell, why can’t we just bomb them?
Mom used to always say if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck…it’s probably a duck.
Does that mean Vegas is a big duck?

-J

My wife did it, not me

God-

I want to get back to you on this cloven hoof thing. So why exactly aren’t we suppose to eat anything with a cloven hoof? In all the bible stories I read, there was always someone sacrificing a goat or lamb in your honor.
My question is this.

What did he do with it after he killed it—throw it out?

Heavenly hopefuls: Cursing yes, Cliches No

God-

Do people use clichés in Heaven? People use them here when they don’t have an original thought, kind of like cursing.
Speaking of cursing, my sons priest in his all-male Jesuit high school authorized the use of curse words in his religion class, saying it was ok to use expletives…everything but GD.

Take-out in Heaven

God-

Are there restaurants in Heaven with take-out?
All the really good places here don’t offer take out, like Sizzler and Red Lobster….typically only Chinese or Pizza joints.

I don’t like going out to eat.
It’s usually something…like a surly waiter, or a devious kitchen worker who snots in your burger.
I like fast food places where I can watch them assemble my dinner, and know with some certainty an angry worker didn’t take out his life’s misery on my McDouble with cheese with a big phlegm-wad.

I like staying at home and eating so I can watch tv while I eat.
Wheel of Fortune comes on at 6 here, so it usually works out just right.

best,

-J

Hells Half-Acre

God-

My mom used to always refer to a place called “Hells half-acre“. Does such a place exist? It seems like there are a ton of evil sons-o-bitches in this world so I can’t imagine Hell is only half an acre. That would be like being doomed to eternity… only in a sardine tin. How much worse could it get?
Or is it just a figure of speech?
She liked to exaggerate things quite a bit in an effort to scare the shit outa me. It usually worked.
I invoke that phrase when lecturing my kids all the time.

Hugs,

-J

Working in Heaven: Part 3

God-

Assuming the job as St Peters assistant is already taken and I can’t have the security guard spot, I was thinking about applying for barista. I like that word. I think its Italian or something.
I could be good in that role. I like the smell of coffee and I’m good with names, unless it’s those weird middle eastern names no one can pronounce, although I can say and spell Mohammed.

The Heavenly Feast

God-

I was recently informed there would be a “great Heavenly feast” waiting for us upon our arrival in Heaven. Will that be served up buffet style or like at a fancy restaurant?
I hope its buffet style, I’m highly skilled at buffet dining, except I don’t care much for those “old people buffets”.